January 12, 2001
A year ago today, at this time (9:20 AM) you were still sleeping in your room at the other end of the trailer.  We went through our day together with no idea of what was to come.  At 9:30 PM on this day, I saw you and heard you for the last time.
I miss you so much, words can't even explain the feeling.  I wanted to follow you, but knew I couldn't.  I know you still love us, even more than before.  I know you are still with us every day.  But, that doesn't always help our selfish need for holding you and hearing your voice.
Sometime you feel so real to me and other times I wonder if I just made you up.  My whole world has turned into something that is so unreal.  I try to hang on to my beliefs in God, though sometime doubt rears it's head and that's when it hurts worse.
Sometime, I know, your sisters may feel I love you more because I spend a lot of time being very unhappy.  But that's not true.  You all hold the same level of love in my heart.  We have a much smaller family now on earth, in fact it was almost cut in half by yours and your Daddy's deaths.  Thanksgiving and Christmas was so different.  I was ok at Christmas, because I was so happy our Savior was born many years ago on that day so that I would be able to see you and your Daddy again.
I pray so many times that I could hear you or feel your arms around me again.  I sit and put my arms around myself and try to imagine they're yours, as in the picture above.  I haven't felt you, but the last few days, I can see you so clearly in my mind and that has given me comfort.
I look at doorways and can almost see your Daddy coming through with that grin on his face I always loved so much.
Your death and your Daddy's has brought a realization to me that my darkest fears can come true.  I catch myself worrying about the others I love so much.  It's hard for me to see light instead of darkness, but I am trying.
I love you and your Daddy and forever will.  Ya'll will never leave my heart.  I also love Christi, Amy & Jacob and thank God that I'm still able to touch them and hear them.  They, and God, have kept me on earth.
I love you Dennis & Bobby.  May God allow your family on earth to feel your presence and gain some comfort.  Now, try to get me to let you do something and tell me how much you love me to make me give in....I miss that.
Loving you always, 
Mom

August 30, 2000
Hi Bobby,
There's not a day goes by that I'm not thinking of you.  The hurt is not always so bad, but it is still there and comes back full force sometimes.  I guess it's finally hit home that's it's real.  I concentrate and remember how you feel to touch or how it felt when you'd put your arms around me or ask me to get up and dance with you.  
I go about my days as normal, whatever normal is.  I catch myself not smiling very much unless someone's looking.  I guess it's my new normal.  Haven't gotten used to it yet.  
I still sit and think of all the things I should have done and keep asking myself; "What could I have done?" to prevent your death.  When I know deep inside there was nothing to be done.  I just pray for forgiveness if it was in any way my fault.  I pray for forgiveness from God and from you.  And from your Dad.  I didn't take care of you the way he would have wanted me to.
It's hard down here.  You know that.  Amy is having a hard time accepting your death.  She misses you so much.  
You're the last "man" Jacob had around.  I grieve for him not having a male to talk to.  
I miss your running into my room and wanting me to listen to the latest song you'd written.  Or having me stand out on the porch and timing you to see how fast you could run now.  
I worry about not remembering and I worry about my image of you fading.
I love you, Baby, & I miss you so very, very much.
I just wanted to talk to you for a second on here to let others know how I'm doing.  But can I even tell myself?  My answer is usually "fine", but the truest answer is "I'm making it".  I don't know how God is doing it, but I am.
Love,
Mom

May 14, 2000   Mother's Day
Hello Bobby,
I've been dreading this day.  Not knowing how I will make it through, but knowing somehow I will have to.  Amy called first thing to wish me a happy Mother's Day.  Then I got out of bed and as my feet touched the floor, the pain hit.  You would not be here today.  I cried for a while, then signed on the computer.  Mike had sent me a card that made me smile a touch of a smile.  Then I came to your site to look at the picture above and to hear the song and to cry out more of my pain.  

I want to be strong and let your sisters know that having them is so important to me and makes me happy, yet I'm torn apart for one of my babies will not be with me today.  

Sometimes, it's hard to believe that you were real and that scares me.  It's like I have all this pain and emptiness for something I have made up in my mind. I go to your pictures and I look at you and try to remember how you felt.  Your voice.  Your smile.  Your eyes so beautiful and sparkling.  I wish so much on this Mother's Day I could feel your arms around me and hear your voice say, "I love you, Mom".   So I can be complete as a mother again. 

I little while ago, I gathered up your pictures and held them to my heart, then walked around crying out to God.   I scare people sometime.  They're afraid I might get so depressed that I'll do something.  But, as much as I'd like to see you, there is a reason I am still on this earth.  If I don't see that out, then my term on earth will have been for nothing.  That's when I would have failed.  Until then, I am not a failure, though I call myself one so many times for not being able to help you.  Then, I tell myself, you were in God's hands, not mine. 

I cannot complete this letter in one sitting.  There are so many things I am going to feel today.  You will know the unwritten parts.

Christi just called to tell me happy Mother's Day.  She wanted to take me out to eat, but I just don't feel like sitting in a crowd of people.  Her and Jacob are coming over a little later and will pick me up something on the way.  While I was talking with Christi, another call came in.  When I clicked over and said hello, it was a boy's voice calling to tell me Happy Mother's day.  I started crying with joy for those words from a boy's voice that I needed so much today.  God worked through James to give me something I needed so bad.  Someone who has you in his heart, someone who calls me Mom.  I thank God so much for that.

I was going to go to your gravesite at 11:00 today.  I had set that time so people would still be in church and it wouldn't be so crowded.  It is now 10:47 and I know I am not ready.  When God knows it is time, he will let me know and I'll get in the car and go.  

Dusty called to say Happy Mother's day.  Mandy was there also.

Amy is here now.  Christi left a little earlier.  This afternoon has been easier than this morning.   I still miss you just as much, but I've been able to actually function and walk around and talk to others.  I have even walked outside a few times.  It looks like I will make it through another day.

I watched Touched By An Angel tonight.  Mike told me it was coming on and I should watch it.  It was about a mother that turned into an alcoholic from her grief when her son died.  She had not been able to go to his grave.  Her grief had taken her so low she barely functioned.  I don't drink, but sometimes I feel that low.  At the end of the show, it showed she had not allowed God to help her heal.  She had taken the broken pieces and held on so tight that blood was flowing.  I think that's what I do.  I still hold on so tight to the pain and guilt and don't let go.  I'm so afraid by not feeling it so devastatingly that it will seem I don't love you as much anymore.  I'm so afraid to let go and heal.  But, I know I must.

I'll be talking to you through God as the days go on.  I'll be remembering, feeling and trying to heal.

I thank God for being with me throughout this day.  And for your sisters, nephew, your friends and mine he worked through to help me make it.

I love you, Baby.
Nite, nite, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs ..........

You were born on June 8, 1984.  You were the first boy and third child.  As soon as you were conceived, a place formed in my heart for you.  A special place reserved for my son, as I had a place for my daughters.  When you died, a piece of me died with you.  A piece that will be missing as long as I'm on this earth. 

It was just the two of us at home.  I had just seen you.  You had come into my room and gotten a drink of my water.  Then I heard a loud thump.  I called you and you didn't answer.  I went toward your room and saw the front door open.  Then, I saw you on the front porch.  I kneeled down beside you and tried to wake you up.  You wouldn't wake up....I couldn't wake you up.  Many people tried, but it was too late.  God had taken you home. 

I try to understand.  I try to find peace.  I talk with God and get closer and closer to Him.  I pray that He holds you in His arms and lets you know I love you.  It's so hard for a mother to realize her baby can be happy without her. 

There were a lot of times I didn't think I could take you any more, then you'd put your arms around me and say, "Love you, Mom."  What I would give to hear that just one more time.  To just hold you one more time..... 

You are only 15 years old.  The oldest you will ever be in my memories and in the pictures I have.  Sometimes I don't think I can stand it any more.  Such a deep pain and loss of spirit.  Then, God eases my pain, and repairs my spirit, and I go on once again. 

You missed your Daddy so much.  I pray you are with him now, as well as your heavenly Father.  I'll never see you again on this earth, but you will always be with me.  May God help me, hour by hour, to make it.

Love,
  Mom

April 2, 2000

Hello Bobby,
It's been about 2 1/2  months now since you left this earth.  If I let myself, I can relive your moment of departure over and over again.  My panic when I found you on the porch.  My sense of helplessness.  The fact that I, as your Mother, could not help you.  The fact that God had other plans for you that I may never know while on this earth.    
Your earthly family misses you and your Dad so much.  The girls are doing OK.  One of Amy's best friends passed away.  In just a little over a year, she's lost her Dad, you and now a good friend.  
All your old friends miss you very much.  Dusty, Mandy, James and Jonas keep in touch all the time.  It's so sad when they are here, in a group on the porch.  I look at them and see the empty place where you would have been.  But, they also make me feel better.  They still call me Mom.
I keep a picture of you in my wallet.  Every time I open it, I look at the picture and rub my fingers across it.  Wishing I could feel you.  Wishing you could talk with me and tell me everything is OK.  I pray every day for God to let you know I love you.
I haven't visited your grave site yet.  I know it is only your body, and not your spirit, that resides there.  But I haven't been able to do it yet.  I will soon.
Jacob asks me all the time to play your songs.  He likes to sit by me when I'm working on your web site.  He always wants me to play "I'll Be Missing You".  While in the car driving, he always requests "Only God Knows Why".  I'll start crying and he'll put his little hand on my cheek and tell me "It's OK, Granny".  I know, someday, it'll be easier, but I don't think it'll ever be OK.
I hope I'm not hurting you with my grief.  You always hated to see me cry.  As you are learning your new life, I am also learning mine.  My life on earth without my son.
I love you, Bobby.  I know you are in a totally different world.  One I cannot understand right now.  One that is filled with such a deep peace and happiness I cannot even imagine it.  I try to tell myself I should be happy for you, but it is so hard for those left behind to see that.
I picture you and your Dad holding hands and walking through beautiful fields.  I see an eighteen wheeler on the highway and expect to see your Dad in the driver's seat and you in the passenger seat.  I picture you as a soldier of God, right along with your Dad.
My thoughts are with you always.
Love,
Mom

Laura

If you copy anything from these pages, please add a link to Bobby's site.
You have a Mother's thanks.