To The Kids in Waller/Magnolia AreaPlease
read all of this. I know it’s
kind of long, and sometimes maybe boring, but please read it. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for teenagers. A lot of times I had more than my own
living in my house. Though I didn’t understand everything you did, I can
remember what it was like and know a part of what you are going through. These days, there is a lot more pressure
on you. You also seem to be more
intelligent at an early age. You
see and feel more than I had to. You
have more temptations that keep calling your name. Peer pressure is above the boiling
point. There are so many things running through your mind, you
can’t keep up. Depression is
running wild through your groups. You’ve
had close friends go to juvenile and jail.
Some, like Bobby, have even died. A
lot of you have single parent families, or problems within the family. Some of you have a good home life, yet
you feel something just isn’t right with the world. You all have 25 year-old minds with the emotional and
physical bodies of your actual age. It’s
no wonder depression has taken over a lot of you. And with depression comes the hunger to make it go away. Isn’t it wonderful when you can drink, or take a few drugs? You feel like everything is right again
and you don’t hurt so much. The
world is yours for conquering and you have the strength to do it. But this feeling is just a cover up. The same feelings are still there, just
hidden for a little while, not taken away.
And the bad part is, when the effects wear off, you feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle some teenagers go
through. But it does have an end. Healing or death. When Bobby was about 8 years old, I took him and his sisters and
moved away from his Dad. I did it
for reasons I thought were very good. Most
of you know these reasons, so I will not go into them here. We moved to the Woodlands. He had a hard time fitting in. He refused to ride his bike to school
because it was not one of the expensive kind the others rode. They made fun of it. He really had no true friends. He never received phone calls. One day the phone rang and it was a
little girl asking for Bobby. I was
so happy. I called for him and he
came running from outside, so happy he had someone calling HIM. When he got to the phone, there was no
one there. I think I hurt more than
he did. I got the number off caller
ID and called the little girl back. I
asked to talk with her Mother. I
let her know what had happened. The
girls were just prank calling, not even thinking that it would have meant so
much to Bobby. His Dad came to live with us off and on. He’d be clean, then mess up and I’d
have to ask him to leave. Bobby was
too young when I left his Dad to really understand the reasons, so I was the bad
one in his book. He worshiped the
ground his Dad walked on. I tried to make it up to my kids.
They got everything they needed and most of the time, everything they
wanted. I never even dated. My time was spent going to work, then
coming home and being with them. My
life was devoted to my kids. I felt
so guilty for the childhood they had. When Bobby was in the 7th grade, he started getting
into trouble. Most of it was
disrupting the class. He found he
could make people laugh. And, in
this way, could make friends. By
this time, he had started the drinking and drugs.
I didn’t even know it. But
he found this lifestyle made him “popular”.
And, he started receiving a lot of phone calls. We lived in Spring by then, in what I thought was a nice little
neighborhood. Then, I found out,
right down the street was one of the main supplier of drugs to all the kids. He was an older teenager with a band. They would practice in his garage and
all the kids would go over to listen. Bobby’s temper started getting worse. He had major mood swings. I put him in a clinic where he stayed
for a little while. He came out the
same. I met a friend at work that owned land in Waller county. I loved her place and after a few
visits, decided to move the kids out there.
Away from all the drugs, or so I thought. We moved in June of 1996. I
had so much hope and knew that starting over again gave us all a fresh start. Within a few months, I knew nothing was
changed. I was just trying to
“run away” from all the bad, but the bad had come with us. Things got gradually worse.
Bobby now had a love/hate relationship with his Dad. He loved him so much, yet hated him at
the same time. I started taking
Bobby to a counselor. He would go,
but refuse to talk about his Dad. If the counselor even mentioned his Dad’s name, he would
get up and walk out. It eventually
got to where there was no sense in even going.
If he wasn’t ready to talk, there was nothing that could be done. He got in trouble many times during the 3 years we were in
Waller. You all know about these. Ya’ll lived through it with him. When he was sent to BBRC (and yes, I put
him there) I thought I would die inside. I
had finally gotten to the point where I knew I could do no more. When we went before the judge and he was
only going to give him MORE probation, I spoke up crying and told him I
couldn’t take anymore. I had no
control over him. The judge sent
him away. I felt like the worse
Mother in the world. I had locked
my Baby up for 3 months. I got to
see him only 6 times for 30 minutes during those 3 months. Each time he came through the door with
open arms and gave me such a big hug and a kiss.
He seemed happy and changed. He
didn’t like not being at home, but he loved the regimen they put him through. He finally had male figures he could
respect. When he got out he was lost.
I was still me and home was still home.
Of course he was going to go back to his old ways. I tried to get help for myself and him
through juvenile, but as some of your parents know, there isn’t much help
there. All I got was, we just
don’t have the resources. The
juvenile director and I even tried to get him put back into BBRC with mandatory,
intense counseling, but was told he hadn’t done anything to get back in. I tried to get Bobby to talk with me. I begged him to tell me what I could be
doing different to help him. He
wouldn’t talk. The Sunday before he died, we had a fight. Things were at their worse. I cried out to him to please let me
help! Please talk to me! All he said was, “Mom, you didn’t do
anything wrong. It is not you.” On Monday , I stayed home from work and called juvenile. They didn’t call me back. On Monday night, Bobby had a wreck in
the car and I had to get it towed to the auto shop. On Tuesday, I called juvenile back. I finally got them on the phone. I explained to the director that he was
much worse and I needed help fast. She
said there was nothing they could do at this time. I called BBRC and left a message for the
director there. I was crying and
begged him to please call me back as soon as possible. He never called back. On Wednesday, Bobby died. Yes,
I know his “official” date of death is Thursday, January 13th,
but Bobby was dead when I ran to the porch and saw him. It was only machinery that made his
heart beat again after that. To me,
the date of death is January 12, 2000. The cause of death is being listed as “inhalation of air
freshener”. I know this is NOT
the cause of Bobby’s death. Bobby
died because I could not get him to cry out for the help he needed. He knew what was needed when his friends
cried out to him, but he could not make himself do it. There is nothing but God more powerful
than emotional pain! I
have met each of you kids through Bobby. Some
were girlfriends, some just friends. Some
closer than others. I have grown
close to many of you and care deeply about what happens to you. Some of you have kept in touch with me. We continue to help each other through
the pain of Bobby’s death. All of
you are “good” kids. Some of
you get in trouble and others may not see the good in you, but I do. After Bobby died I had to leave Waller. Some of you have asked me when I will be
back. I don’t know if I ever will.
Those 3 years in that trailer were filled with Bobby. Most of the time, it was just him and me
there. There are a lot of happy
memories and a lot of sad ones. Right
now, the sad are overriding the happy, so I have to stay away until I’ve
healed more. I’m not running away
from you kids, though. I’ll
always be here for you all. The
point of this letter is coming, so please be patient. Bobby seemed to attract the same type of person he was. Usually kids that had gone through, or
were going through, some of the same things as he did. And, that is why I’m writing this
letter to you. I am not a doctor
and may not even know the “whole” of Bobby’s life. I may be wrong with everything I’ve said about the way
Bobby felt, but I don’t think so. I
am his Mother and he is a piece of me. I
was not able to help my only son, so how can I expect to be able to help others? I pray with all my heart that somehow I
can. Maybe just by sharing what I
have and letting you know I am here for you. You all know what mine and Bobby’s relationship was like. I know Bobby loved me very much and you
know how much I loved him, but Bobby had no respect for my authority or me. Each of you has someone who loves you
just as much. Someone that hurts
when you hurt. Someone who feels
helplessness, hopelessness, fear and pain when they cannot get through to you. Please don’t shut them out. Please talk with them and let them know
your feelings. Don’t keep them
bottled up inside waiting to explode, because they will. Don’t just cover them up. PLEASE DON’T PUT THEM THROUGH WHAT I
HAVE GONE THROUGH!!!!! If you have
nowhere else to turn, you can always turn to me, but even better, you could turn
to God. He is the best friend you
could ever have. He will always be
home and always in the right mood to listen for as long as you need him. I have been talking to him for a very
long time. Ever since I was a
little girl hiding my head under the covers and praying that God would make my
parents stop fighting. Ready to get
up and jump between them if things got worse. I’ve talked to him even more lately. He’s my link to Bobby and his Dad. He’s the link to my sanity. He’s given me the only strength I have
left. Please don’t hold your
feelings inside. Take pride in yourselves.
You are all so talented and beautiful.
Take the emotional load off your mind, hold your head up and know you are
a good person. And,
look for others to help. Look for
the teenagers that laugh the loudest. I
know from personal experience they are the ones that hurt the most. Look for the good in everyone.
There is always something there. Something
you will least expect. And don’t
just look at the outside. The
outside changes. It’s the inside
where the real person is. Think
twice before you say something hurtful to, or about, someone. You never know what they may be going
through. Things will get easier as you get a little older. You are now in a very hard part of your
life. You all need each other to
get through it. And, sometimes, you
may need someone older who has been there and gotten through. I look for those people still. The ones that have gotten through the
pain caused from the loss of a child. They assure me I can go on.
I consider them all sent from God. Please print this and give it to friends who know me and do not
have an Internet connection. Give
my phone number to anyone who wants it. As
you go through each day, take a moment to close your eyes and hug your arms
around yourself. Then feel the
extra arms around you. These are
the arms of your guardian angel, and who knows, it could be Bobby or his Dad. I love you all, Mom |